May 4, 2010, 11:00 pm
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It is beautiful outside today.  Warm to.

But I have NO gumption to get up and do anything but sit here alone in my house looking at my computer screen.  M is at school right now ( I let her stay through naptime because if she comes home she won’t nap, but at school she will and she needs it right now) and I am just sitting here.  I think I caught a bit of her tummy bug.  I am tired, cranky and just want some company.

We have set a date for the grand opening for our etsy store.  May 16th.  So look for some give always and maybe a discount for blog readers.  We won’t have much, but it’s a start.  And starts are always good.


Are we there yet?
May 4, 2010, 6:09 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

So, this weekend has been long and rough.  I was very much looking forward to it Friday morning, but come the night time I was ready for Monday.

Friday evening my mother wanted to take M out.  Like any parent, I jumped at the chance for some quiet alone time with my husband.  Everything was fine, until M got home and my mother handed her over to my husband.  She didn’t look well coming in the door in my mothers arms.  She looked flushed and uncomfortable, she said her tummy and sides hurt.  My husband cuddled her in his arms and she did that familiar cough and he ran for the bathroom.  Thank goddess he made it.  Because she threw up her whole dinner.   And she continued to throw up for the next 6 hours.   She made it to the bathroom all times but one, and that time was all over my feather duvet.  *sigh*  My bed ALWAYS gets thrown up on, always.  Never fails.  So needless to say, our whole weekend was playing nursemaid.  Making sure she is drinking water, making sure she is peeing, keeping an eye on her fever.  It was a long, long weekend.  Left me feeling very odd to.  No upset tummy, but a dizzy headache, but that is what I normally get.  I have a serious aversion to throwing up.  Some say it’s a blessing, I say it’s a curse.

Finally yesterday she was feeling better.  She was out of bed(she had camped in my bed for two whole days) and walking around.  Still not eating to much, but some dry cereal and some water.  When Papi got home he started the yard work, so M and I went outside into the sun for about 45 minutes.  We helped Papi cut down some dead palm leaves and then she did what always makes her feel good.


it must be something about the wind in your face

She swung on the swings for about 20 minutes.  Recently she has learned how to do it herself and she is getting braver and braver with how high so goes.  But that night it was just about feeling the wind in her face and the sun on her hair.  I swear she meditates on the swings.  Every once in a while you will hear the creak and I will look outside and see her toes swinging back and forth.  No sound from her, just the sound of the swing creaking and her eyes looking off far into the distance.  I ask her what she is thinking and she tells me it is a secret.


taken at 8pm.  One reason I love Florida in the summer time.  It’s amazing at 8pm.

Stepping away from the sickness part of the post, I want to talk about food.

Mmmmmmm.   Food.

Lately our finances have really put a strain on us.  We have been struggling, like many of you, and one area we are really trying to cut back a lot of money on is food.  I have always been a cook, but when I first met my husband if it didn’t say Amy’s on it and get put into a microwave, he didn’t eat it.  He was vegetarian, but he didn’t cook.  So one thing I am pretty proud of teaching him is how to actually cook.  Now cutting vegetables I am still working on(it would give you a heart attack to see him use a knife.  I am surprised he hasn’t sliced an artery yet).  Since M was sick this week and we have been super low on food, I had to get creative.  While getting creative in the kitchen is hard work, it does produce some of my favorite dishes.  I like to call them “Toss in Pot”

This was Sundays “Toss in Pot”


It actually looks really good!

You would think I actually thought about this dish, wouldn’t you?  Well I didn’t.  I was starving, there was nothing really easy to make on hand.  Had I had an hour to make some seitan or make some cornbread(and I have a KILLER recipe for cornbread I will have to share) I could have thought about something, but my blood sugar was plummeting and when that happens I generally have about 15 minutes before I go into hysterics.  It sounds awful, but sometimes I have been known to really just forget about eating for awhile because I am preoccupied and then all of a sudden it’s been 6 hours since I have eaten and my body near passes out.  Well I was getting there.  So I impatiently started opening and closing cabinets and the fridge.  I saw a can of kidney beans, so I took it out.  We had some left over rice,  and I found some frozen veggies.  So in a fit of hunger I just started some oil, tossed in the veggies and prayed.  Keep in mind, you can use all fresh veggies ( and I would have rather)

Kristen’s Sunday Toss in Pot

1 can of low sodium dark red kidney beans

1cup frozen cauliflower

1 cup frozen cut yellow squash

1 cup frozen yellow corn

2 tbspn sofrito

1 veggie bullion cube

2 cups of left over rice

I put a small amount of oil in a 5.5qt pot on medium flame.  Then I added my frozen veggies and let cook for a few minutes.  Once everything is nicely coated with the oil and is sweating a bit I add in the sofrito (I have been known to add in more than 2 tbsp) and the veggie cube.  Rinse and drain the beans and add.  Cook for about 3-4 minutes.  Then add enough water to cover and turn down the heat a bit and let simmer until veggies are tender.  About 10-15 minutes.  At this time I salt my dish.  Because I don’t put that much water in, the veggie bullion makes is salty enough for me sometimes.    Once the veggies are tender, I add in my left over rice and stir until it is combined and let the rice soak up some of the juice a bit.  Not to much, just a bit.

It was so good.  Really, really good.

Then tonight my husband made  some wonderful taco’s.  I wasn’t as ambitious and I didn’t make the corn tortillas myself ( I normally make them because they are SO easy and so much better for you than the store bought ones with the preservatives in them).  But essentially he made pinto beans with cheyote  squash.  We made some white rice to go with it.  He’s Puerto Rican, you can’t have beans without rice!.  So we did a tortilla, some greens, some rice, then the beans a little bit of queso fresco (we never eat shredded cheese ever on Mexican food since using this.) and then this AMAZING papaya green curry sauce we found.  I used the hot and sweet sauce.  Dinner was amazing!  I was so proud of my husband for making such a delicious, nutritious dinner.  We all gobbled it all up!  We have lots of left overs for lunch tomorrow and I could kick my own butt for not saving a cup of the rice aside ( I just put the rice and the beans in the corning ware in the fridge) to make indian rice pudding tomorrow.  Oh well!

Mmmmmmm.  Who’s coming over tomorrow for dinner?!

I hope you all are doing well, enjoying May! (we missed May Day because of M being sick)

Warm Wishes,


Friends? What are those?
April 29, 2010, 8:52 pm
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Motherhood can be so isolating sometimes.  I feel it now more than ever.

I have no concept of how to make friends anymore.  Not just acquaintances, but real honest friends.  I don’t need much, just maybe one.   The community we live in is strange, it’s very conservative, but lots of hippies around here.  I feel very stuck in how to make friends with people who are like me.  I am not very mainstream, pretty liberal, young (I turn 30 this year) and I have a kid.  I want a friend with kids that thinks like me.  Someone that I can call up, invite over for dinner.  Go out with.  Someone to help me out of this tough little shell I have built around myself.

I told my husband it’s like dating all over.  I hate dating!

Secret Spell
April 28, 2010, 9:19 am
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No pictures today.   We have been transitioning through some things and pictures have been the last thing on our minds lately.  It’s been emotional over here the last week or two.

Ever since M was a baby, anytime she would cry and get quite hysterical she would do this kind of holding her breath thing.  It would look like a silent scream , she would  convulse and hold her breath.  My mother taught me this neat little trick of blowing in her face lightly and it would snap her out of it.  M never was one to cry much, so these spells happened few and far between.  Then last Wednesday hit.  She had one Wednesday as a part of a night terror(another thing this kid suffers from).  I quickly calmed her down and she stayed in bed with us.  Thursday night was another story though.  I was brushing her hair before bed and I caught a tangle.  Nothing major, but I scared her and she started crying.  I apologized and cuddled her and she was talking to me.  Then she flipped her switch and another episode.  I tried my tricks to get her to snap out of it.  I blew in her face, nothing.  I firmly patted her on the back, it got worse.  I hugged her close, even worse.  Then I look at her and she is BLUE.  Her mouth is carved into a silent scream and she is convulsing.  It has never gone on this long before.  She has never gone this far before.  I handed her over to my husband because I didn’t know what to do, and I started to lose my mind.  All I could see if her blue face, her convulsing and the only thing in my mind was “I am watching my baby die”.  I am not one to panic when she is in distress, normally I keep it all together until afterward and I allow myself to freak.  But I just wanted to run out of my house and far far away.  My husband came over quickly as I am obsessing “she won’t breathe.  Breathe baby, breathe for mummy.  Babe, she isn’t breathing”.  So he took her and I went for my phone.  I got 9-1 and then I heard her gasp and my phone clattered to the ground.  He had taken her outside and was talking to her.  Thank the dear, merciful goddess that my husband was at home.  He was calm, he was present and he made her breathe.  She clung to him, crying and gulping for air.   I asked her if she wanted me to hold her and she said no, she wanted Papi.  She said that I had scared her and she wanted her Papi.  Talk about gutted!

I just can’t tell you how terrified I was.   My terror soon turned into anger.  I was so angry.  So angry that she did this.  So angry that she had terrified me and that I lost control.  I wanted to rage at her, yell at her.  So I had to leave the room and cool off.  My own panic had set in and I didn’t notice it.  I could just feel this lump of emotion coming up from my stomach and it made me sick.   My husband finished getting her ready for bed.  Brushed her teeth, finished combing her hair while I fixed her bed and crawled into it.  She came in and cuddled up next to me.  I told her that there would be no story tonight, but I laid there and cuddled her.  Before I knew it I couldn’t hold back my tears and I sobbed into her little sweet smelling neck.  I apologized for yelling at her, that I was soo scared.  She held my face in her little hands and said “Oh Mummy, see!  I am okay now, so you don’t need to cry!”  It’s amazing how quickly children recover and how we don’t.  How terror lasts in our hearts more than in theirs.  I cuddled her to sleep and I brought her to bed with me when I went to sleep.

But all this weekend it bothered me.  It’s consumed my thoughts, and painted a very black cloud over my head.  This is not my baby.  This is not her behavior.  I talked to her teacher at school and she said that it sounds normal to her.  That this age is so emotional for children and that the textbooks never prepare you for this.   That a class full of 4 year olds is really like a class full of 13 year olds running on hormones.  I laughed, but her 25 years experience does speak for itself, and I do trust her dearly.  But my mind was still not quieted.  So I made an appointment with her doctor today.   One of the main reasons I was worried is that M was born with two VSD Heart Murmurs.  Although they have been deemed innocent, they are still there.  I figure, better be safe than sorry.  So today we had her checked out and her doctor really put our minds at ease.  It is wonderful to go into your doctors office, have them tell you something and you don’t google afterward.  He spent an hour chatting with us, and with M about this.  We found out that about 5% of children do this.  That something physical triggers it off (like a bump to the head, me pulling a snarl in her hair) and they can even pass out.  But everything is okay and they start breathing right afterward.  He acknowledged that they are terrifying and many parents call 911, but it’s okay.   He listened to her heart and although her murmurs are still there (and will probably remain all her life) she sounds fine.

But although our questions have been answered, the trauma of the night still remains with me.  I can’t get her face out of my mind, so I have been trying to meditate it away.  Replace it with images of her sweet, smiling face.  If you are interested in reading about this,

Breath Holding Spells

Also, it said that anemia can trigger it to.  We are vegetarian and I didn’t think to have her iron tested.  I am going to up her leafy greens ( funny enough, we are eating a ton of kale at the moment) and beans.

Sorry for such an emotionally charged entry, but I was hoping maybe someone else had experience with this.  And sometimes it feels good to release things out into the universe.  Keeps them off of my chest.

Warm Wishes.

All done up!
April 26, 2010, 8:00 am
Filed under: Uncategorized


Sorry for the bad pictures tonight, I took these while it was storming outside ( I had to have something to take my mind off of the crazy storm that ran through here while I was alone with M.).  This is Nelle.  She is a 12 in Haba doll that we got for M when she was around 18m old.  When I made Soli for Solstice this year, I should have made this size, but I got over excited.  Nelle is the perfect size for M.  So I was looking at her today and figured she needed a new cardi

Happy Brassiere For Nelle! (rav link)

I think it came out quite sweet.  The Noro Silk Garden is lovely to knit with and I love the colour.  M loved this little cardi and we need a rather sweet little button for it.  I wish I had a small enough drill bit, I would make a little wooden one.  Actually, I think we have a big enough bead I could sew on there!  Ooooooo, I will have to look tomorrow.

Also, I had some of the left over rainbow handspun, so Nelle couldn’t go without a handbag to!

Rainbow Handspun Bag for Nelle! (rav link)


Nelle is very stylish, isn’t she?  I need to make her a dress, I don’t like her skirt because it keeps riding up and it doesn’t make her look like she has a skirt on at all!  And she needs some undies  to.

Quick update tonight.  Hope you had a happy weekend!

p.s. Nelle is in desperate need of some cleansing.  I have washed her once before and while it did brighten her up, she has some staining on her face and it looks like some oil (from little hands being all over her) over her arms and legs.  What should I use to wash her with that would take out the stains?  I almost used oxyclean, but I was worried that was to harsh.  What do you all think?  Thanks.

WIP Wednesday!
April 22, 2010, 6:52 am
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I finally did one.

So, M has really been wanting me to make her a dress.  We have been reading “Little House on the Prairie”  for the past month and she wants a dress with an apron and a sun bonnet like Laura.  Umm.. I’m no seamstress!  But I can’t say no to that sweet face of hers.  So off to the fabric store I went.

My local fabric store has a closeout sale on Butterick patterns, so I bough this one.  For 2 dollars you can’t say no.  I didn’t have much money so I went looking through some fabric I had at home.  I found my apples n pears that I bought about 2 years ago to make curtains in an apartment we lived in before our house.  M loved it so I was sold.


wrong foot, I know.

I don’t really sew.  I mean I can do a straight seam if I have to, but I never had the patience for it.  Her waldorf doll I did for Solstice came out so wonky.  Though, I figure if I want to start making more things, I need to learn how to do this.  It can’t be that hard right?


look!  No one got hurt, I still have all my fingers!

I sewed the bodice together and attached the skirt.  The gathering was tricky and there is one spot that I didn’t match up the side seams so perfectly, but I am not ripping it out and starting over.  But I am pretty pleased with it.  The dress is rather long, well longer than I normally make her dresses.  But Madeleine likes it longer so I guess we will keep it.  I need to attach the sleeves, install a zipper and hem the neck and bottom.  Not to bad though for my first garment from a pattern.  I started the zipper today, but I didn’t want to keep going and make a mess of things, so I packed up and left it.


May I serve you?!

I put one of M’s aprons on over it to see what worked better, pink or green for the apron.  I think I might go with a pink apron with red rick rack.  I even asked her if we could just use this apron and she said no.  She needs a proper pinafore.  Oh well

Happy Wednesday everyone!

2 years…
April 21, 2010, 8:32 am
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Tonight I light a pink candle for you.  I remember you and hold space for you.  Because you were loved so much, and are still loved.

Tonight I light an orange candle for you.  I remember you and hold space for you.  Because in order for me to move on, I have to heal myself and not feel so guilty about what happened.

Two years ago yesterday I was on cloud nine.  I felt that invincible life flow through me and within 12 hours I went from that to a hollowed out dead tree trunk.  It’s amazing how in one hour you go from 2 to 1 and how something so little held  become something that held so much space.

They say that time heals all wounds.  But what about when they are not wounds?  What if they are more like amputations?  I mean, if you had your leg, and then suddenly it was gone, how can time just heal that?   You just learn to live with it and convince yourself that it was “all for the best”, when deep down you know that that is the biggest lie ever.

Tonight as I lit my candles and called out his name, I could smell that soft downy hair, feel that squishy skin.

Finn, I miss you still so much.

And I never even got to hold you.