Friends? What are those?
April 29, 2010, 8:52 pm
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Motherhood can be so isolating sometimes.  I feel it now more than ever.

I have no concept of how to make friends anymore.  Not just acquaintances, but real honest friends.  I don’t need much, just maybe one.   The community we live in is strange, it’s very conservative, but lots of hippies around here.  I feel very stuck in how to make friends with people who are like me.  I am not very mainstream, pretty liberal, young (I turn 30 this year) and I have a kid.  I want a friend with kids that thinks like me.  Someone that I can call up, invite over for dinner.  Go out with.  Someone to help me out of this tough little shell I have built around myself.

I told my husband it’s like dating all over.  I hate dating!


Secret Spell
April 28, 2010, 9:19 am
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No pictures today.   We have been transitioning through some things and pictures have been the last thing on our minds lately.  It’s been emotional over here the last week or two.

Ever since M was a baby, anytime she would cry and get quite hysterical she would do this kind of holding her breath thing.  It would look like a silent scream , she would  convulse and hold her breath.  My mother taught me this neat little trick of blowing in her face lightly and it would snap her out of it.  M never was one to cry much, so these spells happened few and far between.  Then last Wednesday hit.  She had one Wednesday as a part of a night terror(another thing this kid suffers from).  I quickly calmed her down and she stayed in bed with us.  Thursday night was another story though.  I was brushing her hair before bed and I caught a tangle.  Nothing major, but I scared her and she started crying.  I apologized and cuddled her and she was talking to me.  Then she flipped her switch and another episode.  I tried my tricks to get her to snap out of it.  I blew in her face, nothing.  I firmly patted her on the back, it got worse.  I hugged her close, even worse.  Then I look at her and she is BLUE.  Her mouth is carved into a silent scream and she is convulsing.  It has never gone on this long before.  She has never gone this far before.  I handed her over to my husband because I didn’t know what to do, and I started to lose my mind.  All I could see if her blue face, her convulsing and the only thing in my mind was “I am watching my baby die”.  I am not one to panic when she is in distress, normally I keep it all together until afterward and I allow myself to freak.  But I just wanted to run out of my house and far far away.  My husband came over quickly as I am obsessing “she won’t breathe.  Breathe baby, breathe for mummy.  Babe, she isn’t breathing”.  So he took her and I went for my phone.  I got 9-1 and then I heard her gasp and my phone clattered to the ground.  He had taken her outside and was talking to her.  Thank the dear, merciful goddess that my husband was at home.  He was calm, he was present and he made her breathe.  She clung to him, crying and gulping for air.   I asked her if she wanted me to hold her and she said no, she wanted Papi.  She said that I had scared her and she wanted her Papi.  Talk about gutted!

I just can’t tell you how terrified I was.   My terror soon turned into anger.  I was so angry.  So angry that she did this.  So angry that she had terrified me and that I lost control.  I wanted to rage at her, yell at her.  So I had to leave the room and cool off.  My own panic had set in and I didn’t notice it.  I could just feel this lump of emotion coming up from my stomach and it made me sick.   My husband finished getting her ready for bed.  Brushed her teeth, finished combing her hair while I fixed her bed and crawled into it.  She came in and cuddled up next to me.  I told her that there would be no story tonight, but I laid there and cuddled her.  Before I knew it I couldn’t hold back my tears and I sobbed into her little sweet smelling neck.  I apologized for yelling at her, that I was soo scared.  She held my face in her little hands and said “Oh Mummy, see!  I am okay now, so you don’t need to cry!”  It’s amazing how quickly children recover and how we don’t.  How terror lasts in our hearts more than in theirs.  I cuddled her to sleep and I brought her to bed with me when I went to sleep.

But all this weekend it bothered me.  It’s consumed my thoughts, and painted a very black cloud over my head.  This is not my baby.  This is not her behavior.  I talked to her teacher at school and she said that it sounds normal to her.  That this age is so emotional for children and that the textbooks never prepare you for this.   That a class full of 4 year olds is really like a class full of 13 year olds running on hormones.  I laughed, but her 25 years experience does speak for itself, and I do trust her dearly.  But my mind was still not quieted.  So I made an appointment with her doctor today.   One of the main reasons I was worried is that M was born with two VSD Heart Murmurs.  Although they have been deemed innocent, they are still there.  I figure, better be safe than sorry.  So today we had her checked out and her doctor really put our minds at ease.  It is wonderful to go into your doctors office, have them tell you something and you don’t google afterward.  He spent an hour chatting with us, and with M about this.  We found out that about 5% of children do this.  That something physical triggers it off (like a bump to the head, me pulling a snarl in her hair) and they can even pass out.  But everything is okay and they start breathing right afterward.  He acknowledged that they are terrifying and many parents call 911, but it’s okay.   He listened to her heart and although her murmurs are still there (and will probably remain all her life) she sounds fine.

But although our questions have been answered, the trauma of the night still remains with me.  I can’t get her face out of my mind, so I have been trying to meditate it away.  Replace it with images of her sweet, smiling face.  If you are interested in reading about this,

Breath Holding Spells

Also, it said that anemia can trigger it to.  We are vegetarian and I didn’t think to have her iron tested.  I am going to up her leafy greens ( funny enough, we are eating a ton of kale at the moment) and beans.

Sorry for such an emotionally charged entry, but I was hoping maybe someone else had experience with this.  And sometimes it feels good to release things out into the universe.  Keeps them off of my chest.

Warm Wishes.

All done up!
April 26, 2010, 8:00 am
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Sorry for the bad pictures tonight, I took these while it was storming outside ( I had to have something to take my mind off of the crazy storm that ran through here while I was alone with M.).  This is Nelle.  She is a 12 in Haba doll that we got for M when she was around 18m old.  When I made Soli for Solstice this year, I should have made this size, but I got over excited.  Nelle is the perfect size for M.  So I was looking at her today and figured she needed a new cardi

Happy Brassiere For Nelle! (rav link)

I think it came out quite sweet.  The Noro Silk Garden is lovely to knit with and I love the colour.  M loved this little cardi and we need a rather sweet little button for it.  I wish I had a small enough drill bit, I would make a little wooden one.  Actually, I think we have a big enough bead I could sew on there!  Ooooooo, I will have to look tomorrow.

Also, I had some of the left over rainbow handspun, so Nelle couldn’t go without a handbag to!

Rainbow Handspun Bag for Nelle! (rav link)


Nelle is very stylish, isn’t she?  I need to make her a dress, I don’t like her skirt because it keeps riding up and it doesn’t make her look like she has a skirt on at all!  And she needs some undies  to.

Quick update tonight.  Hope you had a happy weekend!

p.s. Nelle is in desperate need of some cleansing.  I have washed her once before and while it did brighten her up, she has some staining on her face and it looks like some oil (from little hands being all over her) over her arms and legs.  What should I use to wash her with that would take out the stains?  I almost used oxyclean, but I was worried that was to harsh.  What do you all think?  Thanks.

WIP Wednesday!
April 22, 2010, 6:52 am
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I finally did one.

So, M has really been wanting me to make her a dress.  We have been reading “Little House on the Prairie”  for the past month and she wants a dress with an apron and a sun bonnet like Laura.  Umm.. I’m no seamstress!  But I can’t say no to that sweet face of hers.  So off to the fabric store I went.

My local fabric store has a closeout sale on Butterick patterns, so I bough this one.  For 2 dollars you can’t say no.  I didn’t have much money so I went looking through some fabric I had at home.  I found my apples n pears that I bought about 2 years ago to make curtains in an apartment we lived in before our house.  M loved it so I was sold.


wrong foot, I know.

I don’t really sew.  I mean I can do a straight seam if I have to, but I never had the patience for it.  Her waldorf doll I did for Solstice came out so wonky.  Though, I figure if I want to start making more things, I need to learn how to do this.  It can’t be that hard right?


look!  No one got hurt, I still have all my fingers!

I sewed the bodice together and attached the skirt.  The gathering was tricky and there is one spot that I didn’t match up the side seams so perfectly, but I am not ripping it out and starting over.  But I am pretty pleased with it.  The dress is rather long, well longer than I normally make her dresses.  But Madeleine likes it longer so I guess we will keep it.  I need to attach the sleeves, install a zipper and hem the neck and bottom.  Not to bad though for my first garment from a pattern.  I started the zipper today, but I didn’t want to keep going and make a mess of things, so I packed up and left it.


May I serve you?!

I put one of M’s aprons on over it to see what worked better, pink or green for the apron.  I think I might go with a pink apron with red rick rack.  I even asked her if we could just use this apron and she said no.  She needs a proper pinafore.  Oh well

Happy Wednesday everyone!

2 years…
April 21, 2010, 8:32 am
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Tonight I light a pink candle for you.  I remember you and hold space for you.  Because you were loved so much, and are still loved.

Tonight I light an orange candle for you.  I remember you and hold space for you.  Because in order for me to move on, I have to heal myself and not feel so guilty about what happened.

Two years ago yesterday I was on cloud nine.  I felt that invincible life flow through me and within 12 hours I went from that to a hollowed out dead tree trunk.  It’s amazing how in one hour you go from 2 to 1 and how something so little held  become something that held so much space.

They say that time heals all wounds.  But what about when they are not wounds?  What if they are more like amputations?  I mean, if you had your leg, and then suddenly it was gone, how can time just heal that?   You just learn to live with it and convince yourself that it was “all for the best”, when deep down you know that that is the biggest lie ever.

Tonight as I lit my candles and called out his name, I could smell that soft downy hair, feel that squishy skin.

Finn, I miss you still so much.

And I never even got to hold you.

April 20, 2010, 9:06 am
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Been slacking on the outdoor pictures.  The weather has been really weird the past two days and we didn’t get to go out the other day at all.  It rained the whole day.  But today was nice.  So we went to our favorite public pool.  I wanted to swim some laps, but they were teaching classes and closed off my favorite lane (it’s in the shade.  I am to fair skinned to stay in the sun to long).  Even though I didn’t get to swim as much as I wanted to, it was nice to be outside and on the water.


I went to the local fabric store to pick up a zipper and look for some fabric to make the apron on my daughters dress.  I didn’t find the fabric, got the zipper and found this!  This is a Michael Miller print with the Cicely Mary Barker faeries on it!  And the camera doesn’t pick it up, but on their wings is specks of gold glitter.  I have no clue what I am going to do with it, I only have a yard.  What do you all think?

Take Care!

18 April 2010
April 18, 2010, 10:32 pm
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Interesting week.  I feel so weird sometimes putting very personal things out here in the universe, but this week had been very reflective.  So I guess I will just touch on some personal things.

I’m a musician, so not only am I very picky about what I listen to, what I do listen to means more than anything to me.  I am highly attached to certain albums and just listening to them flood me with images of my life and I can smell/taste/touch my memories.  Funny thing is that maybe what I listen to you wouldn’t think looks like it *fits* me?   I like beautifully arranged, lush, emotionally charged music that just grabs you and pulls you in.   The last few years, especially since living with my husband I haven’t listened to what I like because he takes over the music in the house.  He loves drum and bass and hip hop and well, I have been very patient with it.  But to tell you the truth I can’t stand it.  Some of it I will listen to and actually like .  The more atmospheric I like, but the jungle?!?!   Does my brain in.  I need verses, chorus, and please throw in a coda and a bridge!!!  Plus, some of the music I listen to is not good for little ears, so it’s stayed in my drawer and not come out.  But this week I have pulled out a lot of my favorites and enveloped myself in things that make me feel the most connected to a girl I once loved more than the girl who is here now.

This week I learned the lead singer of a beloved band of mine died.  He was so young, only 48!, but lived a life not conducive to a quantity of years.   So sad.  When I heard about it, images of my youth came back and I immediately went and dug out the albums.   I sat up all hours of the night listening on headphones, remembering this kinda punky goth girl who used to love to go to a show and thrash in the mosh pit.  The girl who used to go to sleep with Nine Inch Nails and Type O Negative blasting in her ears.  I remembered this girl who had really awesome dreams, who wrote, who played music and who enjoyed and didn’t numb herself to life because it’s not what she thought it should be.  So it inspired me a bit.

I’m going back to school and I am going to pick back up my music.  I have no clue where this is going, where I am going, but I guess that is half the fun.  It’s been 9 years since I have picked up my flute, but I still remember how to play it.  I want to get back into playing with orchestras and operas and maybe do some recording.  Whatever comes of it, you know?  Not to sound full of myself, but I was good, really good.  And I let something really silly stop me from doing it and I ran far far far away from it and landed in Florida ( I am originally a west coast girl)

Weird entry.  HA!