March 31, 2010, 3:49 am
Filed under: Uncategorized


Everything in this house has been growing.  Getting bigger and older.  Wiser.  Our pup, Stingy(her name still kills me.  M named her because she was her favorite word last year.) turned a year old sometime in February.  Stingy has a lovely little soul and you can see in her eyes how gentle she is.   Although the boxer in her makes her a spaz, the pit in her makes her all Mama.

She constantly follows my daughter around, curiously looking at what she is doing.  Always keeping an eye on her, making sure she is out of harm.  But the boxer in her gives her so much energy that sometimes there is a head but, a nip on the hand, or my butt!  But earlier this month she proved her place in our family when she ran off someone who tried to break in while her and I were home alone.   Since then we have trusted her to have the run of the house at night and while we are gone and she hasn’t let us down.  There is a certain amount of trust she knows we have given her and when I came home and found she had chewed one of M’s shoes I know it was just an accident.  Honest it was an accident, she says!  I believe her.  I truly do.  How can you not with that face?


I wish I could bottle what she has and drink it down.  Sometimes I sit her in my lap and I just inhale so hard I think my chest will burst.  There is something about that girl, I can not put my finger on it, but something about her.  Her fearlessness, her boldness, and yet at the same time she has this fragility that one look will burst her into tears.  What a wonderful mix.  A perfect smoothie.   She is growing so fast that when I look back on pictures of her as a babe I just simply can not remember what it was like to have her so tiny.  So little.  Yet I can still remember that night when they put her in my arms.  The NICU was so dark and all I could see was that single spotlight on over her fishbowl cot.  I remember how I had to remind myself to breathe as I held her.  And when I did remember to breathe all I could do was cry because of what had happened to us.  We had such a rough and disrespectful start to our lives together that I have been spending the last 4.5 years apologizing and trying to make it up to her.  Whenever I feel my mind wonder to thoughts of that I look at her and remind myself that it wasn’t our fault and that sometimes the universe just has other ideas.  Then I am reminded that we had 3.5 wonderful nursing years

Sometimes I find it so hard to let her grow, but who am i kidding?  She is growing even if I don’t want her to.  Facts of life.  Husband and I have been talking extensively about her going into kindy this fall.  Right now she attends a small pre-k at a local church 5 days a week for 4 hours.  I really do adore the school and although they do have to adhere to the local school board standards (like writing your name before kindy, knowing your alphabet by site) it is the most loving school I have found locally.  Well other than a private one that would just suck our pocketbooks dry.  Her teachers are warm and inviting, but still stern without being overbearing.  She gets along with her classmates wonderfully and always loves to share and interact with them.  So, even though the pre-k doesn’t fall right in our line of what we want, it allows for me to go to work for a few hours a day and she loves it.

But something doesn’t sit right with my husband and I about sending her to a public kindy for 6+ hours a day.  We remember when we were in kindy that it was only 4 hours.  Morning session and afternoon session.  Now?!  Almost 7 hours, they are reading paragraphs by the end of the year and do more testing than most junior high school students.  It’s pretty ridiculous.  Rest period is phased out by October and the icing on the cake is that the teachers are so worrisome of how their actions are perseeved, or they are to worry about being struck, that they recoil away from the children and affection.  I remember clutching to my kindy teachers skirts when I was frightened or missed my parents.  Of her cuddling me when I fell down and scraped my knee.  Hell I remember my high school ROTC instructor hugging all of us when our dear friend killed themself.  The tests, the lack of emotion and the overbearing nature of school has forced my husband and I to look for something of an alternative.

So the subject of homeschooling came up a few weeks ago.

As I look into my child’s eyes and see that she needs a human touch, the more that public school seems foreign to me.   The more I think about my own experiences in public school, being teased for being chubby, people only wanting to be my friend so they could copy my answers, not being asked to a single dance, never having a boyfriend, the more I want to shelter this little flower who is just starting to blossom from the pelting rain and hail.  Afterall, isn’t that what I, as a parent, is supposed to do for their child?  Shelter them from harmful things?


There are many things I worry about when taking on this HUGE task for my child. Can I do it? Will I fall victim to my own self sabotaging laziness? Am I doing this because of my own personal fears or is this truly for her own good?  How will she make lasting relationships with her peers when I am pulling her away from them?  Am I going to survive this?  Is she?
But my husband is behind me on this 300% and he is even going to take on some subjects to teach.  He is the artist in the family, I am the musician.  So I figure we will both have a niche to teach her.  And it will make us practice.  Should be good for the family.  We are going to start gardening and teaching her life lessons, along with reading, writing and arithmetic.   Handwork will be a big thing and being outside another.  So as I kept thinking about this and what style we would be teaching her in, Waldorf seemed like the only real tangible way to go.  I have always been very attentive to discussions regarding Waldorf.  I had a friend that taught in a school and I liked what I saw.   I helped her with some handwork projects and started to teach her to knit.  I loved looking at her nature table and her birthday ring.  The stories she told and the songs she sang.  So I have started ordering some books from the library to read, we have slowly started some rhythms.  In the morning when we wake up, we sing the good morning verse while lighting a candle on the nature table, then we say good morning to the dog and the fish, feed the animals first then eat our breakfast.  Oh and we say a meal verse before we eat.  We started this two days ago and it is something I look forward to.  I am not the organized, schedule type of girl, so going to bed Sunday with no type of rhythm and waking up Monday to a whole month of it laid out before me is very overwhelming.  So we will keep up the morning rhythm for a few weeks, then add an evening verse.  And as we feel more settled into these rhythms we will keep adding different things.  We have 6 months until “school” begins.  So I am confident that we have plenty of time to figure things out.  After all, like I told my husband, we can always send her to public school if we chicken out.


I am unsure of what the future holds for us and our little family, but I do know a few things. That we love each other, are trying as hard as we can and that no matter what that little face is what makes us try all this crazy stuff.

Btw, these pictures are from this past week. The ones with her in the dress are from her schools “Spring Fling”. Her little pre-k had their little Easter egg hunt and games. It was small and not much, but so much warmth and love spread around. I truly will miss her teachers and I am glad that my daughter got to meet them and learn from them. 3 pf the most lovely ladies around. And the pictures of her with the black tshirt are her in our backyard. We have been making her get outside more. So her favorite thing is to go to that spot in the yard, and just play in the dirty. She comes in filthy, but rosy cheeked and happy. The poor dog has been fed mouthfuls of leaves and rocks and they both have rolled in the dirt so much I think it’s imbedded in their skin. M was seen to be making dirt angels.


Thanks for reading and take care!


2 Comments so far
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hi! to answer your question about our homeschooling resources—it is based/inspired by mostly Waldorf traditions. My children are very young, so for now I just create my own thing. I am going to do a post soon about my homeschooling “logistics”, so hopefully that will be helpful!
Take care and thanks for your comments on my blog!

Comment by childhood magic

i always love to read new blogs that inspire me to update my own. I LOVE your blog, I wish Florida looked like that up here.

I am excited about your logistics post! My daughter is 4.5 so I know that for the next 2 years we will be more play focused. Thanks for your reply to!

Comment by tulsileaf

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